✍🏾Series Wrap Up: Rich Pérez, Nicole D. Miller, Demetrius J. Sinegal, Ph.D.
Heartbreak, Grief, & Loss
⬆️⬆️ Press play for article to be read aloud ⬆️⬆️
The Heartbreak, Grief, and Loss series in the month of June has been encouraging to me for various reasons. The testimonies of our three guests made the series complete and filled my heart with joy and gratitude. We heard from:
🗣️Rich Perez on Collective Grief from a Pastoral Perspective
🗣️Nicole D. Miller on Intimate Heartbreak from a Woman’s Perspective
🗣️Dr. Demetrius J. Sinegal on Intimate Heartbreak from a Man’s Perspective
If you don’t have the time or patience to listen to all 3 interviews check out the time stamps in the descriptions to grab a gem or two because each guest provided something that can be applied to any situation or circumstance we as Believers face.
Here are some takeaways, similarities, and differences in our guest group:
🙋🏾♂️ Similarities of men in grief
#1 Both are men of color. This is especially important to note as we see men of color depicted as not showing emotion. While we do see more emotion from men within church culture (namely at church), we don’t often see what are considered negative emotions and how men work through them. Both men in the series share a range of emotions felt, and share why it was important to sit in their feelings and work through them.
#2 Both were pastors at the time of their trauma and grief, and took time away from their congregations about two months, plus to deal with their pain and loss.
#3 Both experienced common yet intense pain and suffering at the onset of their trauma, such as sleeplessness, depression, shame, & uncertainty of the future.
#4 Therapy as a tool for healing and specifically addressed the common teaching of receiving Christian versus non-Christian counseling. There are multiple barriers to therapy and aversion to finding a therapist who may not believe as you do could hinder the healing process
#5 Both shared the sentiment that healing is not the absence of the trauma or painful experience. in summary there are valuable lessons to extract from our heartbreak, grief and loss, and we should not seek to ignore our feelings and experiences in order to find healing.
#6 Interestingly, both men also share how God used people/things as his mouthpiece or extension to facilitate the healing journey. In his interview, Bishop Senegal makes it clear that God used his therapist just as he uses a prophet as a mouthpiece. Rich Perez shared how God used both his body and his wife as prophets, encouraging him to pause and take care of himself, also to reassure him that things would be OK.
#7 During their interviews both address beliefs and practices in church culture that hinder the healing process from heartbreak, grief, and loss.
#8 In grief, both men trusted God, even in some of the darkest times of their lives. In his book, Bishop Sinegal makes reference to Psalm 147:3 as the scripture he quoted daily for the unbearable pain while Rich found comfort in Psalm 138, he shared during his interview. Both did not always understand what they were feeling or why they had to go through their experience. We often heard prayer, meditation, and faith as constant companions during times of despair.
These are the fascinating similarities between two of our guests who experienced different types of grief, yet shared similar themes in both their grief and experiences with healing.
🙋🏽♂️Differences of men in grief
1️⃣ One man experienced heartbreak from relational betrayal, while the other man’s trauma and grief resulted from death. Both physical losses, yet uniquely different.
2️⃣ Rich Perez, shared his story verbally through filmmaking/storytelling during the we go on tour as well as in interviews. Bishop Sinegal wrote a book about his experience in order to tell his story and reclaim his voice.
3️⃣ One man returned to pastoring after his sabbatical while the other did not. I find this difference, particularly illuminating as it is the reality of our humanity. We do not process our grief the same way, nor in the same time. Also, our healing journeys do not always result in the same conclusions and that is fine, as long as we are OK.
Even in these differences, the essence of grief as well as healing still share similarities. Although the men shared their stories through different mediums, both shared them publicly and with great transparency. Sharing your story can help someone else, and as Bishop Sinegal shared “healing allows us to show up”, not perfect, but whole. Both men come from different backgrounds and experienced different types of trauma and grief. Hopefully it is encouraging to you as it was to me that
1) God will see us through, regardless of our circumstances and no matter what type of heartbreak, grief, or loss we face, and
2) we are not alone.
🩷 Differences of Intimate Heartbreak guests:
-Two different genders
-One a lay member, the other a pastor
-One guest was in a dating-turned engaged relationship while the other was married.
-Nicole did not receive therapy, while Bishop Sinegal felt it was an important part of his journey to heal.
-One person’s pain was private while the other’s became very public.
💙Similarities of Intimate Heartbreak guests:
#1 Both penned their pain and healing journey in a book- Nicole in 2014 and Bishop Sinegal in 2024. That’s exactly a 10 year difference!
#2 Both explore the element of forgiveness from wildly different angles, but both were impactful for me personally.
#3 Both also note how the pain of heartbreak and betrayal can cause one to get out of character- Nicole speaking in general and Bishop Sinegal giving us examples.
#4 Each Heartbreak guest talked about support from friends during heartbreak and how investment other relationships and the healing that comes from these types of relationships.
#5 Nicole D. Miller and Bishop Demetrius Sinegal addressed healthy self-esteem and sense of purpose. Nicole differentiates codependence versus interdependence and he defines individual purpose versus collective purpose.
#6 Both individuals cited a desire to help others, as a reason for publicly sharing their stories.
#7 Both are transparent regarding unaddressed issues like codependency, communication style, and family patterns that caused fractures in their former relationships.
#8 Nicole and Bishop Sinegal are highly productive individuals writing & publishing books as well as hosting events in person and/or online to unify people. I’m sure there are other elements at play, but I believe their obedience to God’s leading for complete healing, allows for them to move at this pace with grace and grit.
#9 There was an echo when both guests graciously explained our humanity, expectations, and disappointments stating that we should trust people to be people, not perfect. (Nicole said) and “People are flawed” (Bishop Sinegal) only God is perfect.
Common themes of all 3 guests that intrigued me
# 1 I expected to talk about betrayal with the Intimate Heartbreak guests but the topic also came up in the Collective Grief conversation. I was stunned when Rich mentioned betrayal near the end of our time because that theme had not been discussed- but right away I knew his words were prophetic. Every single guest conversation included the word “shame” - which was interesting to me as their experiences were different.
#2 All of our guests have shared their heartbreak, grief, and loss in some form of storytelling (bet it film or literature).
#3 Each guest is aware and verbalized their ability to empathize with others, because of their journey.
#4 At least 2 of the 3 guests also mention self-discovery as part of their bridge to feeling better or more “like themselves.”
Give this playlist a listen: Overcoming Heartbreak
You can find the full interviews in video or audio form on The Pew Podcast’s YouTube Channel, Spotify, or Substack.
Did I miss a theme? What were your takeaways? Leave a comment, use the Q&A feature on Spotify, or message feature on Substack to let me know your thoughts.
You can find each guests book on Amazon:
✍🏾Mi Casa Uptown by Rich Pérez
✍🏾How to Overcome Heartbreak: Recovering from Misguided Love by Nicole D. Miller
✍🏾Scarred But Healed: I look like what I’ve been through by Dr. Demetrius J. Sinegal
For those who are currently in pain or need encouragement to continue the healing process, I hope you can see that no matter your gender or type of grief, it is okay to feel whatever you feel and that hope and healing are not far from you.
Host Bio:
The Pew is edited, hosted, and produced by LaQuilia Graham, a freelance editor. She is also the author of What Every Virgin Should Know (2016) and creator of Your Beautiful Broken Heart (2018) an online course for heartbreak recovery. Ms. Graham currently resides in Brooklyn, NY.