✍🏾What do The Spice Girls & Song of Solomon Have in Common?
Book Review of “Single, Dating, Engaged, Married: Navigating Life and Love in the Modern Age” by Ben Stuart
»»»»»Press play to hear me read this post«««««
I have a growing list of books to read for both The Pew and my personal curiosity, so my book budget is a little costly these days. I’m an author and I help people polish their books to publish, so I value buying books. However, I live in an expensive city, on a tight budget, and with limited shelf space. To reconcile the two, I borrow some books from the library; the audio version preferably. To know me is to know the joy I get from balling out on a library spree. I’ll take a library due date over a credit card due date any day.
During one of my borrowing sprees I stumbled upon Single.Dating.Engaged.Married. but I didn’t realize the version I chose was not the standard seven to nine hour audiobook, but rather a two hour sermon series. The format turned out to be the perfect soundtrack to my Saturday afternoon of putting away my winter clothes and accessories.
The author, Ben Stuart, is a pastor, but I’m going to call him “Ben” throughout my review. The lack of title is not out of disrespect, but do I use his first or last name after “Pastor?” Whichever formality used, it just feels odd to type, “Pastor Ben” (or Stuart) over and over again.
I didn’t know what to expect since I didn’t research the author or book, which is unusual for me. I found the material engaging and so I highly recommend Single.Dating.Engaged.Married. Ben was passionate and succinct throughout the six (6) part series. Lecture 1 was good, but I was putting away scarves and trying to stay focused on the task at hand. What I took away is that the purpose of singleness is to be devoted to God. Ben quoted some version of 1 Corinthians 7:35:
And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction.
I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
Although most Believers know this, it’s good to be reminded and encouraged during times when we don’t want the gift of singleness (1 Corinthians 7:7).
By middle of Lecture 2 I had to press pause and grab my pen and sticky notes. Ben established that “dating is a process of evaluation, not a status that you sit in.” I have heard that some people are calling dating a data collecting process. While that’s part of it, what do you then do with the data you have collected? Perhaps this is why the current state of dating and relationships is in such turmoil. But, I digress. Here are three interesting concepts Ben suggested when approaching dating:
#1 Cause - service to God/gives you purpose
#2 Community - built around cause/s, provides a quality dating pool, keeps you accountable, can help you make wise decisions during the process
#3 Character - helps determine what qualities person has and if they align with yours and what you desire in a spouse
In essence, we should take up a cause or causes while single and those causes will lead us to community. It is within the community of a common cause that we are more likely to find a potential spouse. Although the potentiality is there, the sustainability of the relationship depends on the character of a person. So, during this stage, we should be evaluating his or her’s character.
Same cause & direction + same character = couple won’t “grow apart” or use different guiding principles to solve marital conflicts and issues
It got more interesting when Ben started citing Song of Solomon to encapsulate how these concepts are biblical.
🖋️Song of Solomon 1:2 starts, “Your love is better than wine.” Infatuation/love are beautiful experiences while dating, but can be intoxicating. Like wine, when overly consumed or too quickly consumed, dating or spending time to know a person, can cloud your judgement (my way of phrasing it).
🖋️He then quotes Song of Solomon 1:3 which reads in part “All the young women adore you; the very mention of your name is like spreading perfume.” The opinions of the other young women obviously influenced the young lover. The young women have further influence in this relationship as they speak partially in verse 4 saying: We are happy for you! And we praise your love even more than wine.” Ben compares the dynamics of the female lover and young women, to The Spice Girls popular 1990s refrain, “if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” My inner middle school girl could absolutely relate. Friends/community can be influential and help a person evaluate the character of a potential spouse.
Community can also help with accountability. Ben gave the example of how his roommate was a source of accountability for him when he spent private time with his girlfriend (now his wife). The two did not spend time at her place because she lived alone. Ben’s roommate was always at their apartment, so the couple weren’t as tempted to cross sexual boundaries they set.
Since dating is a process to move through, not status or title to sit in, that’s just what should be happening: movement. According to the author, to continue moving the relationship forward and evaluating if the person isor is not the one, use the following:
Clarity - clear about what you want (in life and partner) and your motives for marriage
Courage - to have honest conversations, be vulnerable, end relationship if necessary
& Communication - updating person about how you feel (good/bad) and where the two of you stand
Two things hinder this process…sex and the lack of autonomy. Let’s start with autonomy. Ben says “there is no ownership” in the dating process. Remaining your own person is healthy and also saves time. When people feel like someone belongs to them they (a) stop evaluating to make wise determinations and (b) complicate things if the relationship doesn’t lead to marriage aka breakup happens. Now (a) and (b) are my foggy Monday summary, so go read the book or listen to get a further breakdown.
Ben wisely suggests not introducing too much sexuality during dating and holding off on sex itself, in order to maintain the clarity needed for evaluation. I rewound this part a few times to get the direct quote, “Hold the physical off so you can evaluate the emotional, intellectual, the chemistry, and character.”
“Sex subverts evaluation in the dating process.”
-Ben Stuart
Sex gets you hooked both physically and emotionally as hormones are released, like oxytocin. These hormonal releases give the same high as drugs (bad) or bonding feeling (good). I talk about this in my book. Sex is God-given, so that’s not the issue. The issues arrive if you get hooked on the feeling or when the person you are dating does something to break your heart (including breaking up).
Ben calls the intention of abstaining from sex a form of mental purity, for your clarity and ability to evaluate. Our faith directs us to be sober minded (1 Peter 5:8) and pure in thought (Philippians 4:8, Matthew 5:28, Titus 1:15) I even wrote about purity beyond the physical, yet Ben’s explanation was so refreshing.
The remaining lectures were just as good and full of gems, but I had to get back to putting winter stuff away. So, while I stopped taking notes, according to Ben, engagement’s purpose is related to unification while the marriage phase is all about mission. You can buy Single.Dating.Engaged.Married. here and if you are a visual learner and/or won’t take time to read, I found videos of Ben teaching a few parts of the book here!
